Please Don't!
by ITILY
Summary: Mello barged in on Near in the shower, discovering something he shouldn't have and of course like the Mello he is, took advantage of Near. GirlNearxtwistedMello..*Near's POV..M for theme and rape..You have been warned...please R&R or flame...
1. foolish

I decided to take a short break from my circus story to write this,because I was..hot...This is a girlNearxSickMello fic...So if you don't like rape or lemon and stuff...I urge you...please do not read any further...

* * *

**Foolish**

Near's POV

I was thirteen at the time, Mello fifteen, these things happened just a month before Roger had told us about L's death, I'd wish he had done it sooner, then maybe these things which I speak of wouldn't have happened.

* * *

One month before Roger told us…

I had just finished taking a shower in the privacy of my own room, wiping myself with a tower, then looking in the mirror, I sighed. "They're bigger." I muttered under my breath. I took the bandages out and started rolling it tightly around my chest, I knew it was primitive but it was also efficient enough to conceal my…femaleness. Nobody else knew, other than Watari, not even L or Roger, although I always suspected that L would know, since he's L and all. It was not like I was ashamed, I just needed some assurance, maybe I found comfort acting as a male, rather than female, which I was, biologically. I was one of L's successor, in that case, acting as a male, seemed wise.

I rapidly rounded the cloth around my breast, wincing at the slight pressure, but I was already quite used to it. Suddenly, without warning, someone bursts in, it was MELLO! I almost yelped, thankfully keeping it in, preventing the situation from skipping too far down too quickly.

There he was, chocolate almost falling out of his fingers, as his eyes scanned up and down. I wasn't wearing anything at the moment (I cursed myself for that), only the bandages around my chest area which was falling as I lost grip. After a moment of shock died, I quickly grabbed my towel and wrapped it around myself, turning away from the blonde, I was stabbing myself inside.

All of the sudden, Mello starts laughing. I turned, staring at him, holding back blushes. "So that's why…" his voice trailed.

"Why what?" I asked, trying to be monotonous.

"I'd always wondered why you were such a freak, but now I know, you're a GIRL!!" then he laughed again, wiping the tears from the corner of his eyes.

I didn't know what to feel at the moment, either embarrassment or anger. I decided to put embarrassment aside first, and angrily, I said "If Mello is done laughing, will he please leave my room. He can mock me after I get dress." Fastening the towel firmly, I pushed Mello, trying to get him out of the bathroom.

"Whoa, wait just one minute" Mello grinned, stretching two arms , halting the doorway. I pushed him with all I had, which evidently was not enough. Mello leaned down close to my face, my nose crinkled, I then realized that he was drunk. Then, another realization, we had just received our test scores, and of course, Mello had fell behind me again, so he was probably out drinking, and drunk he decided to come barging into my room and pummel me. But now….

Mello pushed me back into the bathroom, with only one hand, and locked the door behind him. I gulped silently, not wanting to show fear or any other emotion for that matter. "Mello, I think you're drunk. You're not thinking straight at the moment." I tried to sound calm.

"So what! I'm drunk but you're a girl! A freakin' GIRL!!" Mello snapped. I truly cannot comprehend his emotions, and as he said, I'm a girl.

"Yes, I am aware of that, bu-" I was interrupted when Mello crushed his lips down on mine, my eyes widen for just a second, then I quickly pushed him off, wiping away the taste of his mouth.

"M-Mello!" I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to scream so many things at him.

Mello gently placed a finger on his lips, smirking, "Wow, not bad". Even though, I hadn't been acting like one for sometime now, I was still a girl and couldn't help but feel offended.

I opened my mouth, wanting to yell at him, but he seized the opportunity to kiss me again, this time sliding his tongue into my mouth as well. I could hear his moans, I acted quickly, biting his tongue, and uncontrollably slapped him (probably a girl reflex).

Spitting out some blood, he snickered, "Not bad, not bad."

I headed for the door, I knew there was no point in quarreling with a drunken fool, so if he wasn't going to leave, I would. Mello abruptly snatched my wrist and pinned me to the sink. I saw him grinned, before kissing me without warning again. I tried squirming my way out, I felt his hand on my thigh, and his finger at my entrance. I felt my whole body quivered.

"Mmph" I tried to fight him, he just slid his tongue into my mouth again. It was then that I realized I was truly in danger. Although incoherent, I still managed to lift my knee and kicked him in the groin. I ran for the door, almost yelling for help, but stopped because I was afraid the others would find out about my secret.

From the back, Mello grabbed hold of my ankle and I tripped hard on the tiles. My mind was swirling, I think I might have for a split moment passed out, because when I opened my eyes, Mello was on top of me and my legs were parted awkwardly.

"M-Mello-p-please-s-stop" I swallowed my shakiness.

"Oh, Near" I felt his breath at my neck, "I like you so much better as a girl"

Mello ripped the towel of my body, revealing me naked. I panicked and started struggling, I think I was crying or something, because my vision went blurry.

He pinned my hands above my head on the cool white tiles, murmuring in my ears, "Is this your first time?" His voice surprisingly gentle.

"M-s-stop!" His mouth went to my breast.

He brought his face up to mine, smiling sweetly, "It's okay, I'm good at this." he uttered so idly, for a moment, he hesitated, thinking whether to do it or not.

"M-Mello-p-ple-" I thought I was going to beg him to stop, but before I could say anything more, he had already made up his mind, planting a kiss on my lips, probably an attempt to keep me quiet. Then, like burning fire, he ripped into me, it hurt like HELL, there was no other words to describe it. But he was right about one thing, he was good at this, because I felt my body tingling from the orgasm. I didn't quite understand how my body could react like that when it hurt so badly.

After what seemed like an eternity, he finally pulled himself out of me. I curled up at a corner, weeping, my chest hurt a lot from Mello's weight, and the hiccups were making it worst. I felt like dying. Mello dressed himself and wrapped me with my towel, I was so shocked, I didn't even flinch when he did that. He carried me to my bed, and rested me gently on it.

He sat down, watching me cry and sob, I felt so pathetic. "I won't tell anyone" Mello stroked my hair, "I promise". He looked at me for a second, at the time I thought he was sorry for what he had done, because his eyes were so soft. How foolish I was….

* * *

Wow..I feel so sick and twisted writing this...I'm not exactly a big fan of smut and stuff...but this idea just snapped into mind...and I have this thing for bondage and....r-rape....there I've said it...I know it's wrong...b-but...no It's wrong....);


	2. beg me

Ok..here is chapter 2..once again it is in Near's POV...contains rape scenes...and a lot of them...so if you don't like this kind of stuff...please don't read...

* * *

**Beg me**

For a whole week, Mello did not bother to speak to me, inevitably avoiding me, which was easy, since I was doing the same thing.

I couldn't sleep well, waking up panting from the nightmares, I keep seeing his face, smelling his intoxicating chocolate breath and his skin rubbing against mine. It was so disgusting. I shivered, holding myself, then crying silently.

After the long week, I was going to put whatever happened into a little box and bury it, pretending like it never happen, although the memory was irreversible. I went to the library in the middle of the night (one of my many mistakes), I thought that the silence and scent of books could put me to sleep. The library was locked, of course, but I always had my own means of sneaking in.

I took a book from the shelves, not bothering to see what it was. It was a.. cook book? Sighing, I actually read it, thinking reading something totally unfamiliar could grasp my attention and focus. After a while, my eyes felt heavy, I closed the book, setting it aside, staring out at the stars in the sickly night skies.

My eyes flickered when I heard some rustling sounds. "H-hello?" I whispered.

A familiar figure walked out, radiant yellow bristling on his face. "Near?" I felt my heart dropped, I kept silent, not wanting to speak to him.

Uneasy, I manage to hold my composure, as he walked towards me and sat down, leaving some gap between us. There was a painful silence.

Pitter-patter. Mello looked over, I hadn't notice it, but I was crying, and trembling. He grimaced. "Near, I-"

"Apologize" I said through my teeth, "Apologize to me!" my voice raised.

His blue eyes looked at the ground, "Near, I-m s-sorry." he sounded so sincere I was completely fooled, again.

My eyes were spilling out tears like there was no tomorrow, I moved back as Mello approached me, I was going to yell, when he wrapped his arms around me. I was so weak, I let him, needing the comfort. "I'm sorry" he muttered again.

"for doing this"

My eyes grew wide as he kissed me. THAT BASTARD!! I began struggling but lost very quickly. I was already so fragile, I'd crumble away at any moment, and he took advantage of that. I felt all my strength run out of me, as he unbuttoned my pajama shirt. I shook like a leaf, my whole body paralyzed, watching him stripped me then himself.

"P-please-d-don-Ahhah" I cried. He pushed himself inside me, so slowly, it was agonizing. I didn't know whether he was trying to be gentle or was he just toying with me. In any case, nothing made sense anymore, so I just kept weeping and wailing.

My cold fingers on his chest, weakly pushing him away. He kept kissing me, and saying things like "I love you Near." Was any of it true?

After a long time, he pulled himself out. I thought it was over, lying limply on the ground. But then, he parted my legs again, pressing my thighs so that I would open up more, I couldn't hold in the moan. Again, he forced himself through me, his mouth firmly on mine so that I won't squeal. He did this a few times, very, very slowly, taking his time to enjoy, perhaps. He always managed to hit the right spot, making me feel the short pauses of pleasure, that made it all the worst. I hated him so much, and most of all I hated myself. I felt so awful and pitiful.

Finally, it seemed he was done, putting on his clothes, then he helped me with mine, since I was too useless at the time. He was turning around, then I realized that the sun was rising, I couldn't move and the students would be waking up soon, what if they found me this way?

I hesitantly said, "M-Mello-" the blonde turned, "I-I c-can't ww-walk."

Mello walked slowly over and cradled me in his arms, "I'll help you back to your dorm." his voice didn't shook the slightest. I felt like hitting myself for asking his help, a few tears escaping my eyes, I made sure he didn't see them, it would have gave him too much satisfaction.

* * *

For the next week, he did those things to me repetitively, whenever he felt like it, coming into my room unannounced, sometimes even in more public places like the library and cafeteria (although it was always night and nobody around).

He had already overpowered me physically, mentally and emotionally, I was at his will, even though externally I still acted like the cold and emotionless Near. I wanted so badly to tell someone about how Mello was hurting me, but I felt too ashamed that I could not protect myself and also because I needed to keep my secret. But truthfully, I think I was just too afraid of Mello and nothing else, I was afraid because of the things he could do to me.

"Hey Near" Mello whispered to me in the library, "Could you come to my room later?" I don't know why but Mello's been acting very politely towards me, not like when before, maybe he was remorseful.

I nodded. (another stupid mistake)

* * *

I knocked on the door. "Come in" a voice from inside called.

"M-Mello?" I opened the door slightly, already shivering. I was so unstable, I didn't think as I entered the room and even closed the door!

The skinny teen walked towards me, cautiously. With each step he made forward, I took one the other way, finally back up against the door. Mello placed both arms close to my sides, I felt enclosed or rather trapped. Trailing one hand down the door, I heard a 'click'. Mello had locked the door!

He brushed my bangs away which I'd hoped would cover my face, kissing my forehead so tenderly. I seriously cannot come close to understanding this fellow. He cupped my face, pressing his lips on mine, oh, how I hate the taste of chocolate. I shuddered. "It's alright my little bunny." He smiled.

_My little bunny?_

* * *

I stepped out from the bathroom, knees shaking. Why did I have to do everything he told me to?

Mello looked up, slowly getting off the couch, eyeing me in a way that made me feel very uncomfortable. "You're just the cutest thing, aren't cha?" He turned me to face the full length mirror. I can't express what exactly I felt at that time, but seeing as I flushed a terrible pink, I would put my money on embarrassment, no scratch that, humiliation. There I was in a ridiculous short pink puffy, ribbons and lace everywhere maid outfit and to top that I had bunny ears and a matching bunny tail.

Somebody, anybody, just kill me now!

I pulled my eyes away from the reflection, nervous, I started twirling on a lock of my hair. "Mmm, my little bunny" Mello whispered in my ear, licking the lobe, I froze like stone. He leaned closer, taking in every inch of my body, especially all the parts that weren't covered by the skimpy outfit. I shut my eyes tight when his nose touched mine, then after awhile, nothing happened, I open my eyes and saw Mello was sitting on the couch. He signaled me with a finger to come over. I hesitated, maybe I should leave now, that was the wise thing to do, or I would get hurt again.

Somehow, even for a genius, I did the total opposite, that is the most stupidest thing I could have done. I walked towards him, my heart kept pounding "NO! GO THE OTHER WAY!" but my feet had a mind of their own, it was like I was completely hypnotized by those blue eyes.

I stood in front of him, eyes focusing seriously on the floor. He took my hand, and kissed the back of it, then tugged me suddenly, I wasn't prepared so I fell on him. Strong arms adjusted my legs so that I straddled Mello's lap, it was the perfect angle for an intercourse. In case you didn't know, I wasn't wearing any underwear and Mello only had his boxers on.

My weak body system working against my brain, refusing to stop trembling, and the tear glands working overtime, staining my face and Mello's with tears.

"Hey, what's wrong?" that sweet voice again. What's wrong?! WHAT'S WRONG!! You're going to rape me again and you're asking WHAT'S WRONG!! I wanted to blurt out, but many years of concealing emotions, left me mute, only sobs came out.

"It's okay, we've done it before right and nothing's ever went wrong" Was Mello truly such a clueless airhead or did he need sarcasm to mock me? Of course something is wrong!! All of this is wrong!!!

"P-Ple-s-I-d-don-want to" I stammered. Mello looked shock for a moment, his eyes on my face, I think, I don't know since I shut my eyes.

"You'll thank me for this someday" Mello mumbled. I opened my eyes for a split second, then quickly shut them when Mello took off the last piece of his clothing. He kissed the groove of my neck, I felt him between my legs and he slid himself inside me. I bit my lips from whimpering out the pain, I didn't understand why, but it still hurt, shouldn't it only hurt the first time?

"Ngh-" I moaned as he lifted me slightly then pressed me down hard, he was really deep inside this time. My body began to climax, I hated it.

"See, I knew you want this" he muttered on my breast.

"N-No-I-DON'T" I protested, wanting to sound brave. (I shouldn't have done that) Mello suddenly glared at me angrily, pushing me down on the couch so he was on top, he started pumping really hard on me, slamming himself on my pelvis, tearing up what little of my clothing.

I started crying really loudly, unable to catch my breath as he repeatedly exited and entered my body. I had thought that Mello was cruel before, but realizing now that he had suppressed himself, what he was doing now was truly cruel.

"Beg me, BEG ME TO STOP!!" Mello snarled, ripping some of the skin on my neck.

"P-Please STOP!!" I complied, unable to resist the burning pain inside me.

He pressed a hand down hard on my breast, I groaned helplessly "Ngh!" A hard SLAP landed on my cheek. "BEG ME AGAIN!"

He pushed himself in deeper, reaching places, I didn't think possible. "M-MELLO-P-PLEASE-S-ST!!"

Nghh!! AHHahh!!

I don't know how long I begged him, each time only letting him drench deeper within me, finally dawn came, but he stayed planted in my body.

"Well, go ahead, my little bunny." Mello's breath in my ear.

"M-mm-Mello-P-ple-as-Ahh!" the jerk pushed a little, teasing me.

I stuttered like a retard, "M-Mel-Mm-lo-Nnnghh!!" Mello gave another slight push. I couldn't take it anymore, and broke down, crying my heart out, I couldn't get the words out. MELLO PLEASE GET OUT OF ME!! I wanted to scream, but it just came out as louder cries. Suddenly, everything stopped, he swiftly and almost painlessly pulled us apart. I quickly closed my legs, and curled up again, staying as far as possible from that…MONSTER!

"M'ry'" Mello murmured something that I couldn't catch in time and he pulled on his pants, falling asleep on his bed, leaving me….dazed.

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OMG...what the heck am I doing writing this!!!....Poor Near...he's even more victimise as a girl....Anyways for those who actually go for this kind of stuff...did I describe it well?? You may REVIEW!!


	3. control

Wow, just realize my fics are getting shorter by the day...this isn't good...anyways..here's the new chapter...again It's Near POV....enjoy....

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**Control**

"Yo, Mello, you wanna go out tonight?" I overheard Matt saying.

"Na, I think I'll skip this time." before I knew it, I was eavesdropping on their conversation, but they were talking so loud, I didn't really consider it wrong.

"Aw, come on Mels, when's the last time you had some fun? We can grab a couple of chicks and get laid" Matt's voice sounded creepy to me all of the sudden.

"Unlike some people, I actually need to prepare for exams" Mello mocked.

"Why so serious? You've always went out, exam or not. Come on, man, when was the last time you got laid, two weeks ago? I know you're _exploding_ by now." I never really cared to listen or involve myself in conversations with the other students, now I'm thankful I didn't, is sex the only thing running through their heads?

"Are you hiding a _stash _somewhere?" I almost gulped, almost.

"Hey Mels, you listening to me? Will you stop staring at him!" I kept my face emotionless, they couldn't see it, since my back was facing them, but I stayed as I was just in case, twirling on a lock of my hair. "Jeez, I know you hate the kid and all, but you've got your own life, you know? Obsession only leads to exhaustion." Wow, Matt just rhymed.

Wait, OBSESSION?

Thankfully the bell rang at the moment before I could contemplate on the matter. I walked out the classroom and back to my dorm, trying my best to keep my usual sluggish pace. Then, when I was in the safety of own room, which I have started to keep a habit of locking, I began weeping.

_No, I won't let him take control of me, I refuse to. He can do whatever he wants, but I will always be number one._

* * *

It was late at night, I walked quietly through the hallways, I'd accidentally fell asleep in the library again, Mello had tire me out almost every night. But now at least, when I sleep I didn't have nightmares, it was bad enough I had to face him when I was awake, why should I torture myself in sleep as well. Mello was still hurting me, yes, but I would not hurt myself. I still retained my regular schedules, waking up, sleeping, library, school, and playtime, everything was in check and I was still acing in my studies.

I continued to walk, dragging my heavy legs, the socks made it much easier.

"Mmmn" I pulled my eyes away from the floor (I wished I hadn't done that), it was Mello and he was kissing some girl. My heart dropped, I didn't understand why it did. I kept walking, making the pace slightly faster, I didn't want to make it look like I was affected.

In the safety of my room again, I ran for the bed, covering my face on the pillow, so that the sounds of my cries were muffled. I cried the whole night.

_How could he do something like that? He kissed her! How could he….in front of me…._

* * *

"Hey Near why'd you skip classes today? They said you didn't feel well, but you look fine to me." Did he really not know? Or was he playing tricks with me?

"If you must know, I felt feverish today morning, but I'm fine now." I was startled at how calmed I sounded, continuing my blank puzzle.

Mello paused a moment and took out another chocolate bar, I heard the aluminum foil being ripped and a snapping sound. By now, you should know how much I hate chocolate, the smell, the taste and even the sound it makes!

"Is it because you saw me kissing that girl?" my heart skipped a beat, _so he knew_. I tried to be indifferent, quietly putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

….silence..

"I slept with her too, just so you know."

That was it, I had it, I couldn't take it anymore, I ran up to him, pounding my fist on his chest, "YOU JERK!!" I yelled, hurting my throat, "I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!" darn it, I couldn't calm myself down, I was crying and screaming and hitting him as hard as I could. My knees went soft, I thought I was going to fall, but Mello caught hold of me, "h-how could y-you….do t-this to me." all the words felt jumbled up with sobs, hiccups and stutters.

He hugged me and lifted me gently off my feat, laying me on my bed. OH NO!!

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it" He said, holding my face, "I didn't sleep with her, I swear. Near, I love you and only you. I've never so much as look at another girl after our first time. And the kiss you saw, was only because I was drunk." He kissed me chastely, giving me a very tender and sweet look. I hated it, it is the look he gives just before he rapes me, which he did, but for some reason, it didn't hurt that much.

* * *

Ok...I feel less pervy after writing this...but my eyes hurt a lot when I write this...I feel like crying suddenly.....Poor Near....Anyways....More sadistic and sick stuff ahead....REVIEW please!!!


	4. Hate and love

Ok...Here's a lemon...I think...skip this if you're against rape (I don't mind some flaming for it, since I'm against oral sex)....

* * *

**Hate and Love**

"AhhhahHH!! M-Me-Pl-S!!!" I felt him slicing through me.

"SHUT UP!!" And he thrust me again, and again, and again, and again, and again….

* * *

**Earlier that day…**

"Here take this." Mello muttered, placing a small bottle on my desk, I shifted my eyes from my book to it, slowly holding it in my hands, to examine what it was. Birth Control Pills?

"No thank you." I said indifferent, placing the bottle back on the desk.

"I didn't ask for your opinion, just take the damn thing!" Mello snapped at me, for reasons I could not comprehend.

"If Mello wants to do the things he does to me, he should own up to it." I spat, quietly. I wasn't as afraid as I was anymore, and I knew how to speak up for myself better, so I was only being frank when I said those words. (Now I wished I hadn't) I suppose secretly inside, I hoped to put Mello in a difficult situation, I didn't want to give in so easily, and if that means risking being pregnant, so be it.

The last thing I remembered was Mello glaring at me, and a very painful slap on my face, then everything went black.

* * *

I woke up in an unfamiliar room, I didn't know where I was, but I was definitely not in Wammy's anymore. I sat up from the cold floor, it was an empty room, small and dark. I looked down, as a habit, blinking, realizing I was out of my pajamas, now wearing what seems to be a school uniform, for girls, and it was…modified. It was extremely short, I can see that I was wearing new undergarment, and white socks that went half way up my thighs. I reached up for my hair, but there was something obstructing me, my hair was tied up, on both sides. I sighed.

_So this must be another one of Mello's fantasies..._

I scanned the room again, spotting the door, I almost rushed at it, when it opened abruptly, knocking me back, landing on my bum. I got up, hurriedly stepping back. The blonde walked in, having nothing but his leather pants on, showing his toned chest, not that I cared much for those, I hated him, after all.

He walked up to me, cupping my face, leaning forward to kiss, somehow as stiff as I was, I turned away from it (another stupid mistake). I heard a huff, then SLAP! I fell to the floor on my belly, head spinning, face burning. I heard some ruffling sounds as I lifted myself off the ground, I couldn't quite get up, holding my body in a crouching position. (mistake) Before I could react, Mello had ripped off my underwear, and was ripping his way into my entrance. I moaned helplessly.

I felt a hand at the back of my head, pushing my face down to the floor, I let out a whimper.

"AhhhahHH!! M-Me-Pl-S!!!" I felt him slicing through me.

"SHUT UP!!" And he thrust me again, and again, and again, and again, and again….

Then he stopped humping me, muttered something like, "I want to see your face".

"AAAHHHH!!" I shouted at the top of my voice as he turned me, while we were still intact, I was now on my back, facing him, I couldn't see anything clearly, just a lot of watery images. His mouth next to ear, whispering, "Near, that was beautiful, do it again." And he pushed himself inwards.

"A-ah!" I groaned.

"No, do it like before." that sweet voice ordered, pushing roughly and hard, stabbing me all the wrong angles.

"AAAHHHHH!!!" I shouted with all my strength, as loud as I could, just to stop him.

"Mmmn" he muttered on my throat, "Sweet Near, I love you so much. Tell me you love me too." his sick sweet voice in my ears again. Of all the things, he wanted from me, that the only one I would never give. Never, I would never say that to him. If I had more bravery, I would have shouted, "I HATE YOU!" but I was smart enough to keep that in at least.

After waiting for a while, Mello got angry, as I suppose he would, "SAY IT!! SAY YOU LOVE ME!!!" he snarled.

I bit my lips, I couldn't, I just couldn't do it, from the pit of my existence, I hated him, I hated him to the core. I would have never said it, even as he shoved his penis to all the parts of me that he knew would hurt like no other, again and again.

He slapped me and raped me, repeatedly, just so I would say those three words, which I never will.

"Nnghh-" I squirmed, even though I knew it would hurt more if I did, but it was only a normal bodily reflex, one I could not and would not shut off.

"Near, p-please-" I opened my eyes, seeing some tears welding up at the corner of those blue eyes, "Please- I love you."

"Liar" those words came out of my mouth without even being processed by my brain, "I hate you." another mindless spurt. Those blue eyes stared down on me, widened, I felt so cold and empty, I think it showed in my eyes as well, because he grimaced, tears rolling down.

There was a pause, then I felt something really hot between my legs, Mello pulled out. I saw something red, was I bleeding?

"Near" I heard faintly in the background before passing out again.

* * *

What the hell am I doing....Anyways I suck at writing lemons....haiz...but I don't really have experience in that department...Anyways...tell me how to improve it.....I repeat (like a nagging old lady)..REVIEW!!


	5. parting ways

Wow..I'm so frus…what to do with this story…How should I end it, happy or angst…I'm so tempted to go for angst…it would be the perfect ending for this sadistic tale…darn, my angst addiction…So glad today nobody to disturb my writing...need to finish this....

* * *

**Parting ways**

We went on to ignoring each other again after that, which wasn't too difficult, since the exams occupied most of our time and mind. Then, the week was up, exams over and the students went out partying.

I sat alone again in my room, stacking Lego, the construction seemed messy though. I didn't understand it, Mello wasn't bothering me anymore, but now I felt even worst than when he did all those awful things to me. I felt so empty and I hated him for doing this to me, making me somehow needing him. I was always so lonely, and no one ever bothered to change that, and then he came along, and took advantage of me. The need of human contact was more severe than I had thought, I was even willing to allow his sadistic lust prey upon me. A tear escaped my eye, I quickly wiped it.

Standing up, I kicked all the towers so that they toppled over and walked into the bathroom. I bathed, scrubbed and soaked for like three times, I couldn't understand my new found need to keep clean, as I felt dirty all the time. Maybe I've developed an OCD?

I stood in front of the mirror, dripping wet, staring at myself. There were scratched and bruises everywhere, more profoundly on my wrists and thighs, I can't believe they haven't healed yet. I sighed, all the memories flashing back to me, I covered my face with my hands, crying softly.

Suddenly, the bathroom door smashed open.

"MELLO!" I almost jumped out of my skin. How did he get into my room after I locked it so tight? But I suppose I should know by now that breaking down barriers was a talent of his.

He moved towards me, grabbing my arm, so that I couldn't run, he kissed me harshly. Ugh, he was drunk! He dragged me, and chained me up to the bathtub tab, then began to fill it with water. I began to panic, struggling from the chains, cutting my wrist as I did so.

I looked over to Mello frantically, he was stripping! The water kept rising until it touch the tip of my chin, then Mello turned it off, getting into the tub as well. I breathed heavily from fear. He forcefully parted my legs and made me cling to him. I got even more afraid from his silence, he always spoke to me when he did this.

A strong hand pushed me down into the water, I wasn't ready so I swallowed some water. He quickly pulled me up again, spitting out water and panting.

"M-Mel-P-pleas-D-don't" I said trying to catch my breath and in between sobs. He pushed me into the water again, this time keeping me under longer. Pulling me up, he slapped me, "I'll make you say it!" he finally snapped.

I was forced into the water again, I felt his lips on my, and he pressed himself inside me. I didn't know how long I was in the water, before he pulled me up, leaving me swirling from oxygen deficiency.

I chocked the water out, breathing deeply, glad to have air again. But before I could even out my breath, Mello pushed me down again, kissing, touching and raping me. Pulling me up, only after I started choking on water.

Then, he pushed down and in again. This was it, I was going to die, right here and now, being drown and raped by Mello. I had to give him what he wanted. Gathering all the strength I had, I lifted my pelvis, so that he could get whatever he wanted out of me. He stopped for a moment, maybe surprise, but then he just seized the opportunity, and pushed harder. It was a horrid feeling, worst than dying, I regretted it badly, I should have chosen being drown. Mello didn't pull me up this time, instead he unplugged the tub, letting the water drain out.

I laid on the cold tub, shaking and crying. "I love you too." his sweet voice chimed. Did he think I did that out of love?

After that, another week passed and he did not hurt me. He seemed to be in a lighter mood, not just the raging Mello. Maybe he was happy he got a strong emotion such as love out of me, or so he thought.

Many of which things did not matter, as Roger told us about L's death and Mello finally removed himself from my life, momentarily that is.

* * *

**Just before he left….**

"Near, can I come in?" his sweet voice cooed. I nodded. Why did I do that?

"Near, I'm leaving now, along with Matt." he sat down on the floor next to me. "Yes, I know." I answered simply.

"Near" he tilted my face, then kissed me, a slight whimper escaped my lips, and I tasted his tongue on mine, immediately. He broke the kiss, tracing a finger on my lips, which felt really warm, smiling. "I love you."

He left it at that. As I watch the shadows walking out through the snow, I swear I heard something breaking.

* * *

Oh yeah....still can't believe a oneshot turned into so many chapters...planning to make the next chapter last....AND REVIEW PLS....


	6. Confliction

Whoa, I can't believe it, but I've actually managed to confused myself. Does Mello love Near or not? I read back the story and found out I don't know and I can't decide on which….Haiz…anyway this is what I imagined would happen next….

* * *

**Confliction**

Five years later…

I was in the SPK headquarters, sitting alone, looking through files and planning for the Kira case which was already done, but there's no harm in double-checking. Thanks to Mello's impulsive behavior, everything has gone according to my plans, and soon I would bring Kira down, there was no doubt about that. I allowed the others to take the day off, since there was not much to do at the moment. (mistake!) After a while, I was bored and started fixing my favorite blank puzzle, this one was totally blank. Putting the pieces one by one, somehow was relaxing, and kept my mind from wandering off about the past.

"Guess who?" two hands covered my eyes from the back.

I breathed in one deep breath before saying monotonously, "Mello, haven't you caused enough problems for the day?" I reminded him of earlier where he barged into our headquarters with a gun to Halle's head (one of the reason why I gave everyone the day off).

"I miss you." he murmured in my ears, not bothering my question, "I've just about gone mad thinking of you." _I think you were already mad before, Mello…_

I pried his fingers off my face, visions slightly blurred, then stepped a few steps away, before turning to face my worst nightmare. He was different, taller, with a new scar on his face, I thought that the scar showed what he really was inside, ugly, and so the scar was ugly, but as I look at him, I realized the scar was ugly but it did not make him ugly. It was… disappointing.

"Near" his eyes on me, "you haven't changed at all, still cute as ever." he smiled. I turned away, biting my tongue from responding to that. I heard his footsteps getting closer, why didn't I run? Why am I such a fool?

He wrapped his arms around me, I just kept looking away. "Oh Near, why the cold shoulder? Are you angry because I left you?" I didn't answer, instead I started tugging and fidgeting with my hair, that was my comfort zone. This stupid blonde, why do you keep mocking me?

"Do you still love me?" He squished me tighter, I gasped, turning my face to his, abruptly being kissed. I quickly broke away, and my right hand raised, wanting to slap that awful person, but he was fast (or maybe I was slow) and he caught it before it landed on his cheek. He chuckled, then put two of my fingers into his mouth, licking and sucking it, my eyes widened, quickly pulling away and wiping my hand.

He leaned down, still clutching tightly to me, he was an inch away from my face, "My turn." I was about to ask something, when his hand went in my pants, more precisely my underwear.

"N-NGH!" I bit my lips from letting out the scream, but some of it still escaped. I gripped onto his fury coat for support as he stuck another finger into my entrance. I heard a small laugh, and his lips went to my neck, kissing and nibbling. I let myself collapse to the ground when it was over, but it wasn't over yet.

He picked me up with only one arm, then swiping everything off the table, he laid me gently on it. "Near, it's just like old times, isn't it?" his voice so sweet, hands working on the buttons and zippers. I think he took no more than two minutes and we were both naked. He eyed me, grinning, "You _have_ grown."

I became useless again, all my muscles worthlessly still. Why can't I move!! But I couldn't do anything but sob. Gevanni, Rester, Halle, anybody, please help!!

Mello was lost in his own ecstasy, his tongue in my mouth and hands pinning me down, not like there was any need since I was completely frozen. His rough hands up my sides, sometimes on my breast, then finally on my inner thigh. He made me spread my legs. Placing a hand on my back, he lifted my pelvis so that it didn't lay flat on the table. I felt something rubbing me, then a pressure as he practically drilled his way through me, burying himself inside.

How long? how many times? It was quiet, I heard him moaning with pleasure, I hate his voice, so sweet in my ears, "I love you" he kept saying.

I cried softly, as he repeated the kissing and touching and raping, "Please stop…" I think I said something like that, but it was all a fuzzy memory. "Stop it…stop hurting me…" the words were whispers, I thought I was angry at him, that I wanted to show my loathe of him, but hearing those words myself, I think I was just hurt, really badly. "It hurts…" I think that was one of the few times that I expressed my feelings accurately.

_Mello, you're breaking my heart…_

He let go, and moved away from me, closing my legs. I curled up, weeping silently. Mello covered me with his coat, then he walked to the bathroom, I think. Wiping the tears, I pushed the coat away. My eyes caught hold of something on the coat's inner pocket, I took it out, holding it in my shaky hands, it was a picture of Mello, the one I had given him earlier on, after he threaten to shoot Halle.

Ugh, I'm so disgusting. I remembered those days where I had secretly liked Mello, a silly crush. It was difficult task taking that picture, and I used to carry it around with me all the time. I began crying again, putting the picture back in the pocket, when I realized there was something else in it.

I pulled out another picture. A white thing was at the center of the photograph, a finger in those white curls, not looking at the camera, and…a smile. I blinked, disbelieving Mello had a picture of me genuinely smiling.

...so that means…Snap! I heard the familiar munching of chocolate, I quickly stuffed the picture back. I watched him from underneath my bangs, he sat down on the edge of the table. I felt like I needed to tell him what was going to happen to him soon, if he continues his absurd plans to catch Kira.

"Mello, you're going to die" that was the truth, in my calculations, he would surely die, if he proceeds as plans.

"Yes, I know..." he paused "..and you're going to let me die." I was slightly shocked by what he said, but it was the truth, I could save him if I wanted to. His death could be avoided and I would still be able to take down Kira, although plans needed to be slightly altered. _If I wanted to…. _

A few tears escaped my eyes, I didn't understand why, all I ever wanted was for him to die, I hated him so much, that was all I want. _But…._

He moved closer to me, pushing away my hair, and wiping the tears. I looked up at him, he was smiling. But those blue eyes were sorrowful, "It's alright," he muttered, "If I do this, will you forgive me?" His words pleading.

NO! I'll never forgive you!

I HATE YOU!!

I WANT YOU TO DIE!!

Those words ran through my mind, however, none of those came out, instead, I laid my head on his chest, sobbing and shivering, "Mello, please don't-" Was those words of the heart?

I couldn't finish the sentence as a gloved hand was placed over my mouth, I felt dizzy suddenly. "I love you, Near." I passed out, leaving it at that.

* * *

Ok so much for fiinishing the story in this chapter...and so many people nosing in on me...It's difficult to write...Anyways...I've been requested for a happy ending story...So it would be a little difficult and won't finish so soon....keep looking out for updates....maybe just a few more chapters....Anyway..REVIEW!!


	7. Lost

(P.S. There's a sequel to this now, it's call Right and Wrong)

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**LOST**

Mello's POV

I'm so sorry, Near, all I ever wanted was for you to love me back. You might not believe it, neither did I when I first came to the realization, but I love you, truly I do, more than anything, I needed you so badly, you were the only thing keeping me going. You have no idea what kind of life I had before Wammy's, but that's not any excuse for all the things I did. I guess I'm just one sick twisted piece of shit.

I'd felt like dirt all my life until I got to Wammy's and then you came along, putting me back in the shadows again. I used to hate you so much, because you were always in my head, it's like I couldn't have a life of my own, I suppose even in those days, I was already stuck on you.

Then, that night, in the bathroom, I was so drunk, I regretted it badly, because after I had a taste of you, I was hooked immediately, like I was with chocolate. I needed you so badly, anything, but you never gave me so much as a glance. So I…

All those times you called out my name, your breath, your kiss, your touch, your body, it was like a drug. I knew I had lost my mind when I did it again in the library, then after that…

I didn't want to make you cry, but that beautiful face and that innocent voice, why did you have to be so perfect?

"….It hurts…" I didn't want it to end up like this. I guess I've lost again.

_My sweet Near, I'm scared, I don't want to be alone._

I am sorry, please forgive me. I hoped that after I'm gone, you'll be happy, I won't hurt you anymore. I know you'll never feel the same way about me, I wished I could take back all those mistakes.

I guess I never really had a chance with you. But I need you, can't you see that? Why won't you believe that I love you?I just want to be with you, always.

I love you, Near.

…

BEEP! BEEP!

"Hello?" I picked up my cell, hands still on the wheel.

..silence..

"Hello, who is this?" I asked again.

"M-Mello-"

…

* * *

_After solving the Kira investigation…._

I pulled my knees up to my chest, crying again, the quiet sobs echoed around the room. Why? Why is this happening to me? Why am I being punish like this? It's not fair…

_"M-Mello-"_

_"Near?"_

_"…I..I love you.." I finally said, "P-Please don't-"_

_"I love you too, Near, always have, always will." then there was only buzzing sounds._

_"Hello? Mello, are you still there?"_

_"Sorry, but the number you're calling is out of service." the operator._

And that was the last moment Mello and I had together. It's so unfair, it was so difficult to say those words. I hoped with all my heart that he would stop, he would save himself. I wanted to give him a chance, maybe that's what he really wanted, and the two of us can start over. But…

_Mello, why are you always hurting me?_

I cried my heart and soul out, falling into deep depression after I had taken down Kira. It took a lot of effort, and I had to overcome all of my sorrow on my own, but finally I did it and I had come to terms with this sadness. And now…

…_Why…What did I ever do wrong?_

I looked at the results again, 'positive'. Mello, did you know this was going to happen? Was this all a game to you? Are you happy that I've lost and you've finally won?

_It's not fair…_

I caressed a hand on the little bump below my belly. Thump! It's real...he's still inside me....

_Mello, please don't leave me….I'm scared…I don't want to be alone..._

* * *

OMG! I'm so sorry to all those who thought this would have a happy ending...I tried my best but there was no other way...this is the most perfect ending..no matter how angst..But I guess if you look at it in a different light, Mello got to be with Near finally and Near didn't have to be alone...sort of....AHH!! I feel so sad right now....But this is how the sadistic story ends...PLEASE REVIEW!! AND FLAME ME IF YOU WANT, I deserve it.....*sniff*


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